12/52- Stillness

A portrait series of my children, once a week, every week, for the next year. 

11_52_web

Anakin: You stopped me in my tracks when I saw you standing there on your stool at the kitchen bench reading a comic book. The light from the window hit your face in the most beautiful way. There was this stillness about you. So peaceful, so quiet. I stood there admiring your beauty while feeling this strange sadness come over me. I wished you knew how much I still see you, how much we’re still what we used to be, just different. I felt guilty for thinking you were being difficult when it was never you, it was me. I’m the one who changed things on you, I’m the one who went from being all yours to always being busy caring for your sister. I’m the one who needs to learn how to give you both what you need, to divide my time better. I’m the one who needs to say sorry, sorry for getting frustrated with you, sorry for letting you down. Everything you’ve done is only natural considering your world just got turned upside down. Mine has too but I should know better. I’m so sorry, my love. I wish you knew how much my heart aches for you, for time to be with just you, like we used to.

I love you so much it hurts. 

***

11_52_isis__web

Isis: Your world is expanding so fast. You just have time to get comfortable before it changes again. I had almost forgotten how turbulent the first year is for someone new. It’s thrilling to see you develop, but so exhausting. It’ll keep changing, baby, but we’ll be here.  We’ll be your constant and your anchor. These days are numbered, days where you’ll only find peace belly to belly. As difficult as they may sometimes be they are also so incredibly precious. 

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2 responses

  1. Oh my goodness, your post has me teary! My son is 16 months and while I often dream of having another baby, just thinking of the time I will lose with my son and the changes it will bring makes me emotional.

    April 6, 2015 at 1:04 pm

    • It is very emotional indeed! But the joy of having another child and watching them develop this sweet, life long bond makes up for the hardship that comes with it.
      I suspect it will take me a long time to find the right balance and to stop feeling like I’m falling short for one or the other. But we get a little better with every day. Motherhood is nothing if not intense love and hard work.

      April 9, 2015 at 10:41 am

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