7/52- Let me hold on to you

A portrait series of my children, once a week, every week, for the next year. 

7_52_1_web

Anakin: You have the sweetest nature, the gentlest soul. I see how hard you battle sometimes with jealously and hurt, but you never linger on the bad for too long. It’s been a strange time for us all. So much has happened the past few months, so many emotions still to process. I’ve cried for you more than once. Cried because my arms aren’t long enough, my lap isn’t big enough to keep you both as close as you need at the same time. I’ve cried because I’ve been too tired to give you my all, cried because for three years it was just you and me and I had all the time in the world just for you. I’ve cried because you’re still too young to understand that my love for you has grown nothing but bigger and stronger since your baby sister arrived. And I’ve cried because sometimes not being able to do everything for you kills me.

7_52_2_web

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7_52_Isis_2_web

Isis: I’ve lost track of time since you arrived. Every week is significant because you’re a week older, yet every week flies by in a blur. I so desperately want to hold on to every second before I blink and you’re no longer a newborn. As much as I love this time I am also grieving. Grieving because we will never have this time again, because every first with you is also a last. My last pregnancy (most likely), my last birth, a last first meeting. There are days I just want to sit and stare at you all day, run my fingers across your face, tracing everything before it’s gone, before it slips away and turns into something new.

7_52_Isis_1_web

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8 responses

  1. Åh, så vakre ❤

    February 18, 2015 at 7:21 pm

    • Takk! 🙂

      March 2, 2015 at 8:11 pm

  2. Oh, adorable.

    February 19, 2015 at 6:12 am

  3. Anna

    Gratulerer med det nye familiemedlemmet! Jeg fikk tårer i øynene av både dette og forrige innlegg, og måtte bare kommentere. Vi venter også nummer to i løpet av et par måneder, og jeg kjente på at jeg gruer meg til å måtte si til toåringen at han må vente på tur. At han ikke får plass på fanget akkurat nå. Det blir sårt og vondt, samtidig som det blir så fint, så fint med en lillebror. Spennede tider for dere og spennende tider for oss i vente. 🙂 lykke til i tiden fremover!

    February 20, 2015 at 7:25 am

    • tusen takk! Og lykke til du også! 🙂

      Det er fantastisk med to, men også hjerteskjærende. Noen dager må jeg bare gjemme meg på badet og gråte. Fordi det er trist eller fordi jeg er så sliten at jeg nesten ikke ser enden på dagen eller natta. Men jeg ville aldri bytta det bort. Aldri, aldri!

      March 2, 2015 at 8:10 pm

  4. Ah, you captured my emotions perfectly, too… The guilt, the inability to hold both of my kids… the guilt, the feeling like I am abandoning the older one (and he had just turned two when the baby arrived, so he didn’t understand, not really)… and the craziness of extreme sleep deprivation and insane mood swings of my little ones, draining the energy out of me, leaving even less for my older one… and nevertheless mourning the fact that this is probably the last pregnancy, last baby, etc…

    It is all very hard…

    But it is also awesome. My baby will turn one in a few days and I finally start feeling like we’re regaining some of the balance.

    February 23, 2015 at 1:17 pm

    • I’ve heard the first year is the hardest with two. I feel the same way with the lack of energy and sleep deprivation. Some days are good, others are rough.

      happy birthday to your youngest!

      March 2, 2015 at 8:08 pm

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