42/52 – Grateful
A portrait of my son, once a week, every week, for the 3rd year of his life.
Anakin: Sitting on a ball watching pappa fire up the first BBQ of the season on a sunny afternoon.
I’m filled with gratitude these days, wishing I could hold on to every little moment. It’s been a turbulent week. My partner flew out to France for ten days and it’s been tough for our little man to cope with it all, before and after. But in all the chaos, the tears and the hurt, there has been so many moments of honest beauty, of true connection and of growth for us both. I’ve readjusted our days to make sure my focus is where it needs to be at all times. I make sure I rest when Anakin naps, that we spend lots of time outdoors, that dinners are quick and easy and that I take the time to explain what’s going on. It’s not much different from how our days usually are, but as Anakin is feeling fragile and sad his anger becomes explosive and every little thing takes more care and consideration. And a thousand kisses. And as I get easily tired from it all I need to make sure I navigate our days with more care. And so far we’re cruising. The other night he laid down in my lap and just cried after a minor meltdown, his little body shaking with every gulp of air. He was so heartbroken because he could not understand that pappa wasn’t coming home for a few days. After he calmed down a bit he looked at me and said: “I love you even though I’m sad, mamma.” My heart broke and burst at the same time. Earlier that day I’d said what I try to say every time he loses himself in anger, “I love you even though you’re angry.” As much as he’s been full of hurt, he’s also been so full of love. And we’ve strengthened our connection in a big way. I’ve noticed that my head has been a bit off and on of late, hormones and all things wedding and baby has taken my focus away at times, but these past few days has re-grounded me and I’m so grateful.
I watched Anakin run down the street this morning on our way to the shop in the sunshine. He had dressed himself in his winter hat, his winter shoes and his mittens. It was far too warm for it, but he was laughing and absolutely carefree. His well-worn tights slightly sagging and his nappy bum wiggling. I couldn’t help but smile and laugh with him as I thought to myself “this is it. This is what I live for.” And I desperately wanted to capture the moment, but chose to stay in it instead of taking photos or filming. And I’m glad I did. I wanted him to see me and to remember me walking with him, smiling and laughing, carrying the sticks and leaves he gave me, just being there with him. That moment was pure happiness. That moment was perfect.
So as I sit here pretty tired from the day I feel so grateful. For our beautiful son, the absolute light of my life, for my best friend who I get to marry soon, for our unborn daughter and for the life we are building together.