The dark side… a long story.

I’ve been sitting on this post for a while. It’s been a tough one to write, but a necessary one. I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to share it or if I just needed to write it, but here it is.

***

 Days… weeks… months. Pregnancy is all about time passing. How many days, then weeks and months. It follows you throughout the entire process from last menstrual period (LMP) through conception to estimated due date and delivery. Every check up or scan (if not done by the same person) starts with questions concerning time passed and number of pregnancies. At least in the beginning. Then follows the occasional awkward assumptions made by well wishers once you announce, if you announce.

This pregnancy those questions and comments carry a shadow with them. The dark side of pregnancy, the largely unspoken. Miscarriage.

It’s not something we talk about much, is it? I’ve been wondering why. Why is it so common to suffer in silence? At first I thought maybe it was because the people it involved would hurt too much by having it dragged out again and again, but now I’ve come to think it’s more about everyone else. It’s awkward, it’s painful and faced with someone carrying that hurt most people don’t know what to say or do and would rather be spared. But I have no intention of sparing anyone. Why should I? I need to acknowledge our loss because it’s not going to be undone, it happened and it will stay with me. And it happens to so many people that I think it’s important we start talking about it more. It shouldn’t feel as if it’s something you need to hide or keep to yourself. It hurts and keeping it a secret won’t make it hurt any less. I know people who have miscarried and I’m sure out of all the people I know there are many more. But it wasn’t until it happened to me I understood the full impact of it.   _DSC6111_web Every time I’ve found out I was pregnant I’ve been ecstatic. It’s always taken me a few days to start believing it’s true, I’ve always done at least 4 pregnancy tests, but it’s always made me happy. And it’s never been something I’ve felt that I needed to keep between myself and my partner for 12 weeks. It’s funny how it’s almost expected to be kept a secret for the first 3 months. When I told my big brother at 9 weeks this pregnancy he commented on how early it was, as if I wasn’t meant to say anything for another few weeks. But those 3 weeks wouldn’t have made me any less pregnant at the time I told him. And it’s not like whatever happens before 12 weeks doesn’t count. I’m not sure I understand this expected 12 week silence.

Without double checking a billion different stats to compare and contrast (but getting my numbers from here) as many as 70-75%  of conceptions end in miscarriage, about 30% of pregnancies, and 15-20% of confirmed pregnancies end in miscarriage whereof 80% of those occur in the first trimester. (To make sense of these numbers have a look here.) That’s a lot.

I found out I was pregnant when I was one day overdue.  I doubt I’d miss a pregnancy once my period is due because once I’m back in my cycle it’s pretty regular and it’s not like we weren’t hoping for a baby soon anyway. We’d taken some precautions for a while because neither of us wanted to have a newborn when we got married and life would be hectic enough with overseas visitors, but our maths were a bit off when we thought “oh heck, if it happens now it’ll just miss all that.” And Bam! it did right away and Shit! it didn’t miss all that. Perhaps part of me already knew something wasn’t quite right. I remember telling my partner the day before we found out that I was pretty sure it wasn’t happening this time because I was having a lot of cramps. But lo and behold, no period came and the tests started coming back positive over a few days. We were thrilled, but I was also stressed by our horrible timing. The baby’s due date was about 1,5 weeks after the wedding meaning it could come at any time and there would be heaps of people here. I have very strong feelings about not wanting any overseas visitors here at all this time around. I want us to have what we didn’t have the first time and that is time for ourselves to adjust and enjoy the newbie for a few months without pressure and people in our space. But nevertheless, I was happy. We saw a doctor and got the whole pregnancy circus going. You gotta roll with the punches right? Sometimes great things happen that don’t necessarily fit your perfect schedule. And we really wanted this baby. So stress slowly gave way for joy and excitement.

A sunny Friday rolled around. I’d been feeling a bit off and complaining about pains for a while, but the doctor said it was normal and to just take Panadol. I saw some friends and shared the news. To my big surprise they were expecting too  and the afternoon turned into a celebration. I couldn’t have been happier. We’d been talking about how much fun it would be to be pregnant at the same time and now it was happening. The night came and our son had just fallen asleep. I remember standing at the top of the stairs in the living room talking to my partner when I felt a “pop”. And that was the start of the worst weekend I can remember having in a very, very long time.

Part of me knew what it was and I went to the bathroom immediately to discover that I was bleeding. My heart sank. I told my partner who tried to work out what to do. Knowing that nothing could be done if it was a miscarriage and that it very well could just be a small bleeding that would stop, we nervously decided to wait to the next day before doing anything. Dragging Anakin out of bed to go to the hospital wasn’t something I wanted to do unless I had to. And part of me was in denial. I can’t remember much of the evening. I kept going to the bathroom and I didn’t sleep much that night.

When I got up early next morning there was enough blood to warrant a trip to the hospital. Sitting in the emergency ward I felt like a zombie. We were called in for a blood test and an examination. As I laid there after what was a rather long and invasive examination looking at my bloodstained knees while a midwife and a doctor stood over me talking I just felt cold. I kept a straight face, a very matter of factly tone and desperately wanted them to let me get dressed and go. I do that, I put on a seemingly cool facade, I somehow manage to temporarily hide that I am about to fall to pieces. I can fool the best of them if I want to. Comes from years of practice, I guess. We were due another blood test in 48 hours to check hormone levels. The doctor assured me that it may not be a miscarriage, but deep down I think I knew that this was not to be. We went home, we cried and I went to bed. I laid there just staring at the wall hoping that I would go numb at some point. Anakin came in and demanded mummy come play. And somehow we got through the day. It’s hard to crumble when you still have to care for a child.

The next day my partner was playing football far away and scared to be alone I decided that we should go with him. I walked in circles pushing the pram around the football field for over an hour trying to get Anakin to sleep, hoping that something was going to make me feel better, but I just wanted to lie down and cry. A close friend of mine was there playing as well and asked how I was going. I didn’t answer, but managed somehow to turn the conversation to how he was instead. Later he asked how our weekend was going. I didn’t answer, but again turned the conversation around. I wasn’t going to lie, but I also knew telling him wouldn’t do either of us any good at that point. On the way back I tried to convince myself that I was starting to feel ok about it, that I was prepared. I was wrong.

The next morning we were back at the hospital for another blood test. Later that day they called me with the results. The lady on the phone started the conversation with “The results look fine.” My heart jumped. There was hope? But the next second she confirmed the miscarriage and asked “That’s what you thought, right?” It was, but how on earth can you relay such a message like that? Everything looks fine? I was far from fine. The pregnancy was far from fine. We were not fine. And I was still bleeding. The walls came tumbling down, but we still had to take care of Anakin. In some ways I think he was the one who carried us forward.

_DSC5142_web (I took this photo that weekend. Anakin found an old seesaw with a horse, so blissfully unaware of how hard we were struggling to keep it together.)

Then came a roller coaster of a time. We were hurting, but I found myself trying to be brave and saying things I didn’t believe to protect myself. “At least it happened now and not later” and so on. We didn’t tell that many people, but out of the few we did there was a few “It’s very common” responses and even one “blessing in disguise” and a “with the timing it’s kind of like a win-win”. Nothing deprives you of your hurt more than hearing that. Yes, it is common, but that doesn’t mean that we weren’t feeling the pain of loss. One of my closest friends even ignored the whole thing once I opened up about it. That one hurt even more. With a few pregnant friends around I felt like a failure every time I spoke to them. I tried my best to stay positive, I tried desperately to protect myself and seem more composed than I was, but a part of my heart was broken.  At some point I realised that I needed to own it to move on. I needed to shed some light on that darkness before it swallowed me.

Little did I know at the time that two weeks after that Friday we conceived again. Without going into any details, let me just say we didn’t try to make it happen, it was just one of those moments when all the stars align and all that. When they say you are super fertile after losing a pregnancy they are right. In our case anyway.

I didn’t believe the test when I first saw it.  None of us did. But four tests over a few days later there was no denying that we were indeed pregnant again. It was confusing. It was a downright mind fuck. The doctors and midwives all ask “what number pregnancy is this?” Number three. “And how many babies do you have?” One. “When was your LMP?” It was this date, but it was a miscarriage. And so the ball started rolling without any of us being ready for the ride.

For the first 12 weeks I was terrified. An early dating scan confirmed that everything was so far so good, but I was still shaken. I went to the bathroom all the time to check for blood. I was sick, much sicker than I had been before and throwing up several times a day. Around 11 weeks that suddenly stopped. Everything just stopped and I freaked out. Blood tests showed my hormone levels dropping a bit over 24 hours and a day before I was handing in my Masters, probably during the most stressful week work wise in a long time, we were told we needed an emergency scan done. I was hanging on by a thread. I was certain that we’d lost this one too. My partner tried his best to be brave, but I could tell he thought the same thing as I did. I barely held it together as I struggled to get as much work done as possible before the scan. Once there I could hardly believe my eyes when we saw a little dancing baby on the screen. The lady told us we could do the 12 week scan right away and we somehow managed to say yes. I think I held my breath for most of it. Baby was measuring older than the first scan had shown which explained the drop in hormone levels. Everything was fine. And we were in shock. _DSC4164_web Both before and after this I was struggling with various scenarios of how to deal with comments and responses to our new pregnancy. The miscarriage wasn’t something most people knew about and it was still so raw and the two were so inextricably linked. I avoided as many social gatherings as possible where I may be confronted with any comment on my growing bump, which decided to pop out more or less right away, or I made sure to dress in layers and be quick and quiet. I was paranoid. I was so scared someone would mention how if we had fallen pregnant a bit sooner I would have been so close to my friend (with whom I first celebrated) or comment on any other thing in that regard to which I wouldn’t know what to say or how to react. And of course it did eventually happen. Someone made just that comment, but by then I was as ready as I could be for it.

It still stings. Someone unknowingly said “congratulations on your second pregnancy” a couple of weeks ago and it slapped me in the face. Whenever I go see my midwife I pass the emergency clinic and I see people with the same look on their face as I imagined we had, women discretely holding their still flat bellies waiting for answers, men staring into space while holding their hand.

It’s not unique occurrence, but it happened to us as it happens to so many people. And in some bizarre and terrible way we were lucky to have it happen in the first trimester. Every day pregnant is a day of attachment. Every day counts. And I acknowledge the more convenient timing of our new baby and how lucky we are to have fallen pregnant again so fast. Some people say it was meant to be. I don’t know about that, but I do know that owning what happened and not hiding it in a dark corner is making this pregnancy a little less scary every day. I still wait for kicks and signs of life to feel sure. Part of me still can’t quite believe that it’s true, there’s new life in my belly and it’s doing very well. I know people who have suffered a far greater loss of their pregnancies later on and of their children after they were born and I can’t imagine how heartbreaking and absolutely life altering that must be. And in comparison our loss was small, but no loss is insignificant. It changes you somehow.

_DSC7698_web   But do me a favour. Next time you meet someone who’s pregnant don’t assume which number of pregnancy or baby it is, and if you meet someone who’s lost one, please don’t tell them how common it is. They know. And don’t ignore it as if it doesn’t matter.  Acknowledge the loss, don’t inadvertently belittle it or deny its significance. And as someone who had just suffered the most unimaginable loss once told me, if that’s too hard or you don’t know what to do just give them a hug.

“The cradle rocks above an abyss, and common sense tells us that our existence is but a brief crack of light between two eternities of darkness.” – V. Nabokov

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14 responses

  1. Hugs. Thank you very much for deciding to share this. As someone who has experienced this type of loss, I just wanted to let you know I stand with you. There is no reason to explain why this happens, there is no way to dismiss it. Somebody told me once to not let anybody else say when to stop grieving, you have the take things one day at a time and remember. Always remember.

    October 2, 2014 at 3:41 pm

    • Thank you. It’s sad that it something so many people feel they need to carry around alone. I doubt it’ll ever leave me, but I’m hopeful the sting will get milder as time passes and this new joy enters the world.

      October 5, 2014 at 8:17 pm

  2. Veldig fint skrevet og du er modig som deler. Jeg har også lurt veldig på hvorfor vi skal skjule graviditeter før det er “sikkert” – det vitner om et slags tabu, det er slitsomt, og sikkert er det jo aldri her i livet uansett. Jeg har både hatt tidlig abort og mistet en liten gutt i uke 19, og trenger ingen påminnelse om hvor vanlig/uvanlig det er. Man har hjertet på utsiden uansett. Og nå, når jeg er voksen og trygg, legger jeg ikke skjul på noe av det. Det er jo livet, alt sammen, og jeg er drittlei av at vi hele tiden skal sminke virkeligheten, helgardere oss, være “sikre”.
    Stor klem til deg du flotte kvinne! Og en til den fine pappaen også.
    Maria

    October 2, 2014 at 4:56 pm

    • Takk, fine Maria! Jeg har faktisk tenkt på deg gjennom dette. Du har så rett. Det er syk hvor skjerma og forsiktig man skal være. Det er synd at det er blitt så vanlig å lide i stillhet eller leve på kompromiss med seg selv, uansett hav det gjelder. Jeg har funnet ut at hver gang jeg stikker hodet ut og tenker “til helvete, jeg bare sier det som det er” føler jeg meg tusen ganger bedre og livet smiler litt bredere. Hvorfor skal man være så forsiktige og usynlige? Hvorfor skal vi være så innmari redd for alt som er vondt eller stygt?
      YES!

      Store klem til deg og dine fine!! Neste gang vi er i Norge (når enn det måtte bli) så tror jeg vi må ta oss et besøk til deres lille paradis hvis vi får.

      October 5, 2014 at 8:24 pm

      • Så fint! Ja! Kom på besøk, det hadde vært så stas.
        Er så glad for deg og Steinar, gleder meg så med dere og Anakin for den lille i magen. Og har sååååå lyst på en (eller to) til. Sukk!
        Kos!

        October 6, 2014 at 6:54 am

  3. Thanks for being brave and sharing this, Dida. It shows a lot of strength. *hugs*

    October 3, 2014 at 7:42 pm

    • Thank you, Matt. Some things are easier to live with when they’re shared. Scary as it may be to put it out there.

      October 5, 2014 at 8:27 pm

  4. Tars

    I really loved this piece and I am sincerely sorry for your loss. I am currently 36 weeks pregnant with one baby after losing it’s twin in the first trimester. It has been so hard for me to accept a loss while trying to celebrate a pregnancy at the same time, which sounds like similar emotions you have experienced… I’m still not sure I’ve worked through everything that I am feeling but I have tried. Unfortunately I also experienced some people’s inappropriate comments and emotional vacuum responses to our loss and that made it so much harder. Comments like: “well you’ve still got one – you should be grateful” and “it was only IVF twins so it doesn’t really count” were particularly difficult to swallow. I salute you for bringing the issue of early loss to the fore and I wish you the very best for your pregnancy.

    October 7, 2014 at 6:50 pm

    • I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. I can relate to how hard that would be, both to celebrate and to grieve at the same time. Your baby will always be a twin. And you will always remember. People can be so cruel and so ignorant. IVF has nothing to do with it, it doesn’t make it any different to any other pregnancy or loss. If only they knew how deep it cuts and how belittling it feels.
      I truly wish you the best. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It makes it a bit easier to know I’m not alone. I really appreciate it.

      October 11, 2014 at 8:36 pm

  5. I cannot imagine what it feels like. My heart goes out for you and your partner. Thank you so much for sharing. Some of my closest friends have gone through this. And as they keep it fairly quiet, I didn’t know how to react I didn’t know what is going on inside them. And this will really help me to know what to say and do.

    October 13, 2014 at 2:57 pm

    • Thank you, Tanya. It’s certainly been easier to bare after we started talking about it. It’s been very strange to have the new pregnancy and the miscarriage so close together. But all in all we have to count ourselves as lucky.

      October 19, 2014 at 3:25 pm

  6. Pingback: On being ‘just right’ | Adventures in Jedi

  7. Kristine

    De siste ukene har jeg lest dette innlegget mange ganger. Jeg mistet i uke 8 for tre uker siden, og søkte etter noe skriftlig som kunne bære meg gjennom det med én gang jeg fikk resultatene av blodprøvene og det sto så tydelig “ikke forenelig med graviditet”. De henviser ikke til ultralyd så tidlig, sa legen. Så det måtte bekreftes med blodprøver. Mitt første instinkt var altså å lete opp ord jeg kunne holde fast i slik at jeg ikke druknet i dypet, og uten at jeg helt skjønner hvorfor, så husket jeg å ha lest dette innlegget. Så jeg søkte det opp, og har nå lest det flere ganger enn jeg har oversikt over.

    Hvorfor snakker vi ikke om dette? Hvorfor bærer vi disse opplevelsene alene, hvorfor bærer vi sorgen alene? Hvorfor føles ikke sorgen legitim, hvorfor føler jeg et ekstremt behov for å late som at alt er som før, som om dette tapet ikke er et tap? Jeg holder det ikke ut.

    Tusen takk for at du valgte å dele. Det har hjulpet meg veldig.

    August 31, 2015 at 10:52 pm

    • Kjære Kristine,
      Uff… jeg kjenner jeg blir helt tung i magen for deg. Det er så vondt! Og ja, det er helt forferdelig å gå rundt med et stort hull i hjertet som få vil vedkjenne seg eller som man liksom bare skal godta fordi man ikke var forbi de “magiske” 12 ukene. Jeg vet så altfor godt hvordan du har det.

      Jeg tror det er et tabu tema fordi det er en ubehaglig samtale å ta. 1 av 4 kvinner må gjennom en sånn sorg hvertall en gang i løpet av livet. Bare de tallene i seg selv burde tilsi at dette er noe som burde frem i lyset! Jeg lette også opp ord for å hjelpe meg gjennom sorgen. Og det hjelper så innmari å vite at man ikke er alene, å få snakke om det og få lov til å sørge over et tapt barn. For det er jo det det er snakk om. For meg var det barnet mitt så fort jeg visste at jeg var gravid. Det er både en fysisk og en følelsesmessig påkjenning å miste en graviditet som er umulig å forstå for de som ikke har vært igjennom det.

      Jeg husker jeg fikk helt panikk rundt tiden som ville vært termin for den jeg mistet fordi jeg ikke husket den eksakte datoen. Jeg følte meg så skyldig. Det at jeg da var 8 måneder gravid med datteren min vasket ikke bort tapet. Og jeg bar fremdeles med meg mye av frykten for at noe skulle gå galt helt frem til hun var i armene mine, til så stor grad at fødselen ble preget av det, noe jeg har brukt lang tid på å forstå og bli komfortabel med etterpå.

      Takk for at du deler sorgen din med meg. Jeg valgte å dele min offentlig nettopp i håp om at historien min skulle finne noen som trengte den. Det blir bedre, men det blir aldri helt borte. Og du skal ikke trenge å late som.

      Stor klem til deg!!

      September 2, 2015 at 10:32 am

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