Unbroken – How motherhood is keeping me centred
(An over-emotional open letter to my son from the other side of darkness)
My dearest Anakin,
You thankfully have no idea of the stress and inner turmoil that has raged through me during dark times in the past. Before you entered my life I would sink to the bottom of a deep, dark ocean when life pushed me too far or I worked myself too hard. I would lie there for days, sometimes for weeks, struggling to breathe, unable and perhaps sometimes unwilling to move, chained by my own depression.
And then there was you.
Ever since you were a tiny seed in my belly things have changed. Ever since I could feel your flutters, your kicks and your little hiccups I stopped feeling so alone when things became too much. Occasionally lonely, yes, but never alone. And I stopped falling, stopped sinking to the bottom. You managed to do something nothing has ever done before, you broke my chains. You’re bigger than everything that threatens to pull me down, and you make me stronger than I ever thought possible. Being your mamma keeps me centred.
It isn’t always easy trying to give my work all I’ve got as well as give you my everything. Sometimes I fail, I fall behind, lose focus, and grow frantic trying to catch up. And that darkness comes creeping in from the corners again.
But it doesn’t take hold.
How can it stay dark when you shine so bright?
Despite all the stress and frustration I’ve had lately I would change nothing if more time for work means less time for you. Every day with you is a reminder of the things that matter the most. You make me want to be a better person, you make me strive to learn new things, to break old habits and to always, always let love in. You’ve made it simply impossible not to.
I know I’m not perfect, but you’ve taught me that I’m damn good, and that to you I am the very best. So thank you, my love, for reminding me that I am bigger than my darkness, that I am able to bridge any ocean as long as I have you, and that at the end of the day all that matters is the love we share.
Yours, unconditionally and forever,