After all, the best thing in life is boobie.
(The following is an imaginary interview with my 14 month old son, based on real events.)
Me: So, Anakin, tell me a little bit about what’s been going on lately.
Anakin: Well, mamma, as you know I’ve been going through some things. I believe you taller people call these phases wonder weeks. I’m not sure why because there’s not much wonderful about them. Things are just plain confusing and I guess you could say I have a new information hangover of sorts. My brain hurts. That’s probably why I keep waking up a night.
Me: Your brain hurts? That doesn’t sound very good.
Anakin: Well, that’s just stating the obvious, mamma. It didn’t help much either that you took me to that horror house where that witch stuck me with a sword three times on Wednesday and tried to kill me while you just sat there singing like a bloody idiot. As if singing was going to save my life! I was lucky to even make it out alive.
Me: You mean your vaccinations? Those are necessary to keep you from getting really sick. It’s for the best, I promise. I would never let anyone try to kill you. And it wasn’t a sword, it was a needle. Swords are bigger.
Anakin: Wasn’t big enough? Looked like a sword to me. You say all this now, but I saw no such action at the time. But I’ve figured out a cure for everything.
Me: Really? For everything?
Anakin: Yes, everything. It’s simple really. If I’m cranky, boobie. If I’m sleepy, boobie. If I’m happy, boobie. If I hurt myself, boobie. If I don’t get what I want, boobie. If you think I’m busy playing, boobie. Just after boobie, more boobie! The best thing in life is boobie. Whenever, wherever. Boobie, boobie, BOOBIE! Don’t think for one second I don’t know where you hide those things.
Me: I’ve noticed, but don’t you think three times a day is enough? I don’t mind feeding you, but sometimes you hurt me. Couldn’t you at least lie still while you eat and perhaps finish before you do other things?
Anakin: That’s where you get it all wrong, you see. It’s not all about eating. I own you, and lately I think you need reminding of this. So I try to spice it up a bit, after all it’s a lot of boobie. I try to dance while I eat, I sing and talk and just hang out. Sometimes I like to bite a bit and to play with them too. And you seriously need to stop packing those things away until I say it’s ok. I read that wonder week thing on your phone too and it said that during this phase you should be expecting me to want boobie all the time. You just put up until I say so. And that thing you tried today, undressing and showing me your boobies, but not giving them to me even when I cried really loud? Not cool.
Me: I was taking a shower. Didn’t you get some after? And you just had milk followed by lunch anyway, you were in no real need.
Anakin: That’s not the point! Do you think it’s fun to make me cry? I shouldn’t have to cry to get my way. Now, lift up your shirt before I rip it off, it’s boobie time!