A little bit broken…
It’s a little bit broken I sit down to write this today. My eyes are bloodshot and my head is throbbing, I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck, dragged for miles and then dumped in some remote location to die. I should probably just go to bed, but the baby monitor is humming with a rather cranky baby on the other side of it, so there’s just no point just yet.
You may have guessed it already, our nights have gone from bad to horrid. I’m reaching the end of my tether and, quite possibly, my sanity. We tried one night of me going in to nurse around 10, which I had already planned on doing if he woke up because he didn’t feed much before bed. From then until 2am my partner would go in and settle. It took him ages and multiple times in there to get Anakin back to sleep. And once he did he would sleep for maybe 20 minutes before waking back up. From 2am onwards was my turn and I fed him twice before breakfast. The idea was to at least skip one feeding. Last night was all on me and the ball started rolling at 9.30. I had thought we might have been in for a better night because bedtime was very good and he settled himself to sleep as he would normally do. Oh what a mistake to even think such things. I tried to settle him for about 20 minutes before giving up and feeding him. Our feeds overnight looked like this: 10pm, 12.30am, 2.50am, 5.30am and 7am. Before the second one I tried giving him some baby panadol in case it was teething pain, but that didn’t help at all.
I can’t remember when it was, but I went in there at one point and laid in a ball on the floor shushing for a bit. Then I tried patting him, but that only sent him into hyper drive… serious hyper drive. He was kicking and laughing and acting crazy. When I removed my hand he screamed bloody murder. I tried rocking and giving him some water. And I know you’ve already guessed that none of it worked. So I fed him again. I went back to bed still wearing my robe and my pj’s. There was no point in even getting undressed.
By the time morning rolled around I felt sick. I could hardly hold Anakin when I went to hand him over to my partner who got an undeserved cold serving of Crazy Sleep Deprived Mama before I went back to bed where I passed out until he had to go to work.
I’ve even looked for help in a forum today, and I am not the forum type. It gave me everything from good, helpful advice and support to rolling eyes and the “oh you bloody idiot” type answers. Apparently some mothers think I’m stupid for not knowing that this is completely normal and think it’s a waste of space to even have such questions asked. But it led me to conclude that my initial thoughts may have been right, teething and a big developmental leap.
Which leaves me where? Exactly where I started, just broken. I’m not sure what to do, but maybe I’ll try camping out for a night and see if that helps. I’ve ordered Pantley’s No cry sleep solution, but as long as we’re in wonder week territory I may hold off on starting anything new. And if it goes on for a lot longer I’m considering sending us off to a sleep school that does not use controlled crying. I will get into why later, but I will not leave my son to cry.
Everyone says “This too shall pass”. I know that, but I still have to find a way to survive the here and now. And when you feel like you’ve been shot in the face and you still have to care for your little one all day and night there is little solace in those words. It’s not his fault he’s going through a rough time and I want nothing more than to help him, I just want to survive the process and be the best mother I can be, not some crazy, half dead zombie.