Captain who? Ridiculous!!
“Eeeeeeeeeee…” “Eeeeeeeeee…” That nasal sounding semi-cry, the last hurdle before the storm. The night owl. Captain Ridiculous. “Eeeeeeee!!!”
It would seem that my son thinks that I am a better mother for him when I function on two hour bulks of sleep or less. Either that or he’s just plain sadistic. I am leaning towards the latter.
Last night Captain Ridiculous came back. I had a feeling he was lurking during his bedtime feed when he was simply too tired to eat much. Then when I put him to bed he kicked into hyper gear for a bit, making me run up and down the stairs to his room a few times to calm him down. “shhh shhhh.. mummy’s here…”
A couple of hours passed before.. “Eeeeeeeeee…” Oh come on! What now? Dummy in and sneak back out. The stupid creaking door I always forget to oil howls. Then an hour and a bit later.. “Eeeeeee…” Seriously?? You’ve got to be joking! Back upstairs, dummy in and pat-pat-pat… He falls back asleep. I sneak out and that damn door howls again.
Then adult bedtime rolls around. It’s a minefield. You have to be super quiet to not wake the Captain. He’s in his light sleep and anything too loud will set him off. I brush my teeth and wait for my partner to finish in the bathroom. He blows his nose trumpet. (I’m sure there are horn instruments not as loud as his nose trumpet.) “Eeeeeeee… Eeeeeee…EEeeeeee!!!” SERIOUSLY??? %$!!@**&#!!!! Alright… Back in. I try the dummy trick again and some patting, but no, the Captain is up and he’s angry. “EEEEEEEEEE!!!!” I cave and figure if I feed him now he’ll sleep for a few hours and I’ll get some shuteye as well. So up, up and away we go. 10.27pm and the night feed races have started. On your marks!
About 25 minutes later he seems to be more asleep than eating so I figure I’ll try and put him back to bed. Now, the Captain is addicted to swaddling. He can not sleep unless we wrap him. As soon as those arms wriggle free he wakes up and becomes one of those ridiculous flailing arms figures you see outside car dealerships. I put him down to wrap him and as soon as I do he strikes his double arm Superman pose. Arms up, wriggle wriggle. Deep breath… just calmly guide him into the wrap… I get him to bed and get out. Door howls again. Finally I climb into my own bed. I’m tired, I’m really annoyed and I just want the world to leave me the f**k alone for a few hours.
“Eeeeeeeee…..Eeeeee…EEEEEEEEEE!!!” Oh lord… already?? 12.15 am. Half blind I get up, put some clothes on, check my anger at the door and go in. I’m greeted by the all familiar flailing arms and an angry Captain. Experience quickly tells me that the Captain has set his tv to the boob channel and wants to eat again. Alright… So off we go again. Another 25 minutes later the Captain is sound asleep. Shit, this one’s about to get tricky. I should have got him before he drifted off. I climb out of the sofa and down to the floor as gently as I can. I put the Captain down on his swaddle when suddenly.. “WAAAAAAAAAA!!!!” The Captain shrieks bloody murder as loud as he can. Shit! Dummy?!? Where’s the damn dummy?!? I fumble around in his cot for it while cursing myself for buying the see-through kind. Found it! Phew. He quickly calms down and lets me wrap him and put him to bed. He wriggles a bit, but stays calm. I sneak back out and that f**king door howls again.
“Eeeeee… EEEEeeeeee… click click…. Eeeee… click click… Eeeeee…” 3.45 am. Here we go again! I come in to find the Captain out if his wrap, arms flailing, shaking his dummy. “Click click.” It’s the sound of the dummy handle smacking against the plastic. The Captain is very upset. I pick him up and put him on the floor to get the wrap off. This sets him off completely. “WAAAAAAAAA!!! WAAAAAA!!!” Back on the boob tube. This time he’s hitting, kicking and generally being pretty active while feeding. Shit, this could mean trouble. It takes about 25 minutes before he’s done. When I go to wrap him he goes back to screaming bloody murder. He’s mister wiggle worm, Superman and Captain Ridiculous all at once. I’m trying to wrap him while fighting rising frustration. When I put him to bed the Captain is all about the wriggles, he’s chewing his dummy and seems far too awake. I exit and the door howls. When I climb back into bed I have a sinking feeling the silence won’t last long. It’s 4.30am. About 10 minutes later… “WAAaaaaa!!! WAAAaaaa!!” !%$#@!!!!! My partner wakes up “Is it morning?” “NO!!” I get up, check my anger at the door and go in. I give him his dummy, put my hand in the cot while hiding and pat-pat-pat… The Captain wriggles and battles his wrap, shakes his head from side to side before slowly calming down. He drifts off to sleep. I gently remove my hand which is stuck between the bars of his cot and crawl to the door. I sneak out and the door howls.
I wake up confused by that all familiar sound “Eeeee.. Eeeee…” It quickly becomes “WAAAAAaaaaa!! WAAAAaaaa!!” Breakfast, mummy!! It’s 6.15am. My head is full of cotton, my eyes hurt. When I get in there the Captain changes his tone immediately and grins. He blows a few raspberries and probably thinks he’s the cutest thing ever. Which he is. He wants to play and when offered a bit of breakfast he spends a few minutes whacking his fists on my chest, pinching and biting my nipple before deciding he is not happy with what he’s been offered. ‘WAAAAAAA!!!!” WHAT NOW??? I’M HERE, I’M DOING EVERYTHING YOU ASK OF ME!! I try comforting him, but he is not happy. Finally I offer him the other breast which he happily accepts after a few last sobs. Wrong boob, mummy, wrong boob. How dare I offer my left bob for breakfast when he obviously prefers the right? After a short breakfast he strikes his Superman pose and signals he’s ready to go hang out with daddy.
And such was the return of captain Ridiculous.