23 Thursday May 2013
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He held me in his arms today
Small arms, big embrace
Kissed my face time and time again
For a few moments our roles reversed
As if he had seen something he is still too young to know
He held me in his arms today
Held me tight and kept me safe
***
(Is there a better feeling in the whole wide world than knowing you are worthy of such love from the most precious person there is?)
21 Tuesday May 2013
Posted in Photography
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Oh summer, we’d just gotten used to not having you around when you all of a sudden decided to come back for a couple of days.
How wonderful it was to feel your warm rays again. How quickly we forgot about the sunscreen.
Gone were the wool and the beanies, gone were our shoes and our pants, even if it was just for a few brief moments.
Summer, we apologise for every complaint we made about the heat over the past few months.
We already miss jumping in the pool, splashing about embraced by your soft evening breeze.
We miss eating ice creams and rolling in the grass.
We miss skipping around in the park in a warm afternoon daze.
Oh Summer… sweet, sweet summer
Thank you for stopping by to remind us just how wonderful you are and that we are indeed in the right place.
19 Sunday May 2013
Posted in 365 Project, Photography
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232/365 Wrong direction
We go for an afternoon walk just before dinner. You’re so determined to walk up to the main road and fall in a heap of tears every time I turn you around.
233/365 Conception
We go to say goodbye to our friend Japes at our old house. She’s flying back to Europe to be with her partner. You run around playing in the backyard, completely unaware that your pappa and I lived in this house for 5 years before you were born and this was where you were conceived.
234/365 Thinker
Your face in deep thought in the cheese aisle. I wonder what you think about when you drift off and your eyes go far away.
235/365 Pause
A pause in between games. Time for a quick cuddle. I sit down in the chair, you walk around and put your head in my lap. I love you so much I could burst.
236/365 Just you and me
Pappa flew to LA early that morning. It was just you and me for the next week. You, too little to understand he was gone, me, a little apprehensive about flying solo, but always happy to get to spend my time with you.
18 Saturday May 2013
Posted in Life with Anakin
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Co-sleeping. Like with most parenting issues it’s a topic that everyone has some form of opinion about. “It’s dangerous”, “it helps prevent SIDS”, “It’s the best for the baby”, “you’ll never get your child out of your bed again”, “you’re creating a bad habit”.
Researchers from Murdoch University have shown that bedsharing is far less dangerous than most people think. Says Associate Professor Catherine Fetherston; “Often when researchers look at bedsharing, they include sofa-sharing or armchair-sharing, which have been shown to be very dangerous, with a number of associated deaths”.
“In fact, when you remove deaths associated with sofa-sharing from the analysis, the rate of bedsharing deaths is lower than the rate found in babies sleeping by themselves in cots.”
This is given that the sleep environment is safe and that parents are not intoxicated or smokers, of course.
Co-sleeping was one of those things that scared me when I first became a mum. Not because I was afraid to sleep with my son, but because people was so in my face about it, one way or the other, and I was afraid of doing anything wrong.
Our version of co-sleeping was to have Anakin in his cot in our room for the first 5 months. Having him in our bed wasn’t an option because our bed was simply too small and my partner is a heavy, restless sleeper and I’m too much of a worrier. For the first two months or so I didn’t even dare turn the nightlight off because I was always sleeping with one eye open, my head filled with all sorts of horror scenarios, mostly supplied by people who desperately wanted to relay their fears/bad experiences.
At 5 months it became clear that Anakin’s sleep was deteriorating because we kept waking him up throughout the night. We moved him to his own room and nights improved. But there were many nights during whatever thing he was going through where I laid on his floor or sat holding him on the sofa in his room, hot or cold, trying to comfort him, sometimes for a couple of hours, wishing I could just pick him up and put him in bed with me.
Then when my partner recently went to LA for a week and both Anakin and I got sick, I took one of the mattresses off our bed the first night and we slept next to each other for the first time, and continued to do so for most of that week. And I liked it.
Once my partner came back we had a long talk about what to do. It was clear that we couldn’t leave the bedroom the way it was, the bed was becoming a storage space which Anakin would climb up on and could easily fall off. Did we stop or did we go all the way? We decided after much deliberation that our bed wasn’t important to us, that we both enjoyed waking up with him and that it was better that he slept with us when it was necessary so that I too could get some sleep, or at least some more or less comfortable rest. So we threw out our bed altogether and made one gigantic family bed on the floor. And we love it. I love waking up to little hands touching my face and a tiny voice asking for “puppen” (boobie) in the dark. (He’s very much still a boobie boy.)
Our family bed. Less fancy, more practical. Anakin sleeps in the corner next to me (and a cat who sleeps on my legs).
Our bedtime routine has stayed the same. It’s a quiet, peaceful affair. Anakin goes to sleep in his room after breastfeeding. I lie there in the dark with him, out of sight, until he falls asleep. If he wakes up after we go to bed I bring him in to us and he sleeps next to me for the rest of the night. Some nights he doesn’t, most nights he does.
I’m sure once you get to Anakin’s age the risks are minimal as long as we’re sober when sharing our bed with him. And it probably is becoming somewhat of a habit, but so what? He’s only little for a very short time, and I doubt he’ll be climbing into our bed forever. And to us it feels very natural to want to share our sleeping space with our son. For our next baby I’m sure bedsharing will be an option from a lot earlier on.
Co-sleeping is a very personal choice and it’s definitely not for everyone for a variety of reasons. Do you, or have you co-slept with your kids? How did you find it? What was the best and the worst thing about it?
Ps. Adventures in Jedi is now on Facebook. You can follow us there if you want to!
17 Friday May 2013
Posted in 365 Project, Photography
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So far behind, so far behind… Just in editing and posting, of course, but still… oh so far behind! Back to March we go!
227/365 Universe
You, the centre of my universe. Me, so lucky to get to spend my days with you.
228/365 Shop
In the middle of the shop, on your bike, you still manage to be the centre of attention.
229/365 Games we play
We go for a quick play at park before it gets too hot. We play your favourite game, throwing wood chips into the tunnel before moving onto your second favourite, running away.
230/365 Cuddles
The very best part of any day is when you have time to give cuddles. I melt away in your arms every time you give me one of your squeeze-as-hard-as-you-can hugs or when you come running just to give me a kiss.
231/365 Iphone
Whenever you can get your hands on an iPhone everything else vanishes. Toys, playmates, even the photo bombing clown, none of it matters as long as you can play with the phone (which you are not really allowed to). Take it away and all hell breaks loose.
12 Sunday May 2013
Posted in Life with Anakin, Photography
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My heart and my mind is a bit too full to find many words today. I’ve been thinking a lot about how becoming a mother has changed me, but for now it will have to remain thoughts until I can find the time to sort them better.
It’s been a wonderful day. Not particularly different to any other day, but I have enjoyed every bit of it. From a quiet night, a longer sleep in, a wonderful drawing and hot coffee to lunch with my men and more hugs than I could ever ask for.
Motherhood has changed me in ways I could never have imagined. I came across this wonderful quote over at Che and Fidel. It says it all.
“The most difficult part of birth is the first year afterwards. It is the year of travail – when the soul of a woman must birth the mother inside her. The emotional labour pains of becoming a mother are far greater than the physical pangs of birth; these are the growing surges of your heart as it pushes out selfishness and fear and makes room for sacrifice and love. It is a private and silent birth of the soul, but it is no less holy than the event of childbirth, perhaps it is even more sacred.”
- Joy Kusek
SuperMum (yeah, yeah, I know, I should really flex my muscles when doing this…)
In light of everything above, and for no particular reason whatsoever, what better than to have a very impromptu, low tech family photo shoot in the corner of the bedroom? Yes, there are quite a few photos. It was hard to choose today and we had too much fun! (Pfft.. there is no such thing as too much fun!)
nothing is complete without a bit of jumping
Happy Mother’s day to me, my mum and to all the mamas out there!
08 Wednesday May 2013
Posted in Photography
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It’s getting colder. The light is changing, the air is crisp. Whenever there is time after dinner we go for a walk around the neighbourhood. He points, we label with words.
These photos are from one of those walks back in April.
What’s that?
what are they building in there?
Dogs are a big favourite
Is it a train?
I can hear it, but I can’t see it yet
Train!
Pure joy
I love these walks. So much joy in something so simple.
07 Tuesday May 2013
Posted in 365 Project, Photography
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222/365 The Artist
One of the things I look forward to the most is the continued sharing of my love of art with you. Making, seeing, thinking, talking. I know it’s very early days and we’ve only just begun to explore crayons, but I dearly hope you’ll come to share my passion for art and creativity.
223/365 Toes
I look at your feet and think “how small, how innocent” and then remember that not long ago they were even smaller. Like the rest of you, they’re so soft, still so new to the world and everything that makes our skin grow thicker and harder.
224/365 An end and a beginning
It was officially over. You were no longer a roller or a crawler. No longer a tiny baby, no longer sheltered by you inability to move. You finally entered the world of walking. I proudly watched you as you stepped outside and walked down the street.
225/365 Reader
You are still such a reader, a true lover of books. I remember this book well. It was a gift from the council nurse on the last home visit after you were born. I remember holding you the whole time she was here, you asleep in my arms, brand new and so peaceful.
226/365 New room
We finally moved you into a new room to give you shelter from the heat, just as summer was ending. You were so excited. A bigger space, one that was just yours to explore and play in. Seeing you so happy was everything we hoped for and more.
03 Friday May 2013
Posted in 365 Project, Photography
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217/365 Toes
Standing on your toes, reaching for new things. I know it’s such a cliché, but you’re growing up so fast. It seems not long ago we could put something on the table and it would be safe from your curious hands. Those days are over. It seems strange that I should already dread the day you walk out our door to start your own life somewhere, but I know it will be here in the blink of an eye.
218/365 Gravity
Experiments with gravity. Newton would be proud.
219/365 Mimic
You love to mimic how we drink from water bottles. Water bottles are a big hit, they’re fun and sometimes water comes out (if mamma removes the cap). I quickly learned not to give you ones you could open yourself unless we were outside in the sun.
220/365 My baby
I’ll always remember these days as the last days you were still technically a baby. You had only just started walking a few steps at a time. Wobbly, unstable and still so dependent. I’ll still call you baby, baby, because to me you always will be.
221/365 Soft
There is nothing that warms me more than your little arms around me, squeezing hard, holding on for dear life. I know you can’t possibly fathom how much I love you, but I hope that one day you will.
30 Tuesday Apr 2013
Posted in Personal
A little while ago I posted the new Dove campaign video, Real Beauty Sketches, on my Facebook. I was immediately infatuated by the idea behind this so-called social experiment. To be honest I found it downright moving. If you don’t know what I’m talking about and you’d rather not watch it, the basic gist of it is this:
Dove got seven women of different ages and backgrounds to describe their faces and had FBI-trained forensic artist Gil Zamora create composite sketches based on the descriptions they gave. The women were also asked to spend time in a room with strangers who were asked to get to know them, though neither knew why. These strangers were later asked to describe the women to Zamora who made another sketch based on their descriptions. The two drawings of each woman were then hung side-by-side. The difference between them were significant. The tagline of the campaign is: “You are more beautiful than you think.”
The idea, if you set aside the fact that it’s an ad for someone who in the end wants to sell you something, is brilliant. If an artist had done a similar experiment I’m sure we would all be having a whole other discussion.
Before I continue let me just say something about the images below. This is me, without any make up or photoshop, in the morning before I shower. This is my naked truth. I’m showing you this because at my most vulnerable and raw, I am still me, and I am more than my appearance and I don’t need anyone to remind me of that.
Shortly after I posted the video some people raised some eyebrows towards the whole thing, and perhaps rightly so. Dove is apparently owned by a company that also owns Axe which a lot of people feel make ads that are terribly degrading towards women. Like for instance this one, which makes a woman out to be headless boobs. I just watched it and you know what, I wasn’t offended. Not one bit. Sure, I see where the critics are coming from and I’m not siding with Axe, but I just wasn’t offended. I actually found it kind of funny. Am I outrageous? Perhaps. Of course if you want to be offended, then this is the ad for you. Anyway, I digress.
The day after I posted the video a friend posted a link to this blog which is very critical of the campaign, and I’ll admit it does make some good points. If that’s the way you want to see it. It lingered a bit in my mind for a couple of days and here’s the thing; Do we really need an ad to tell us beauty is more than skin deep? And isn’t the message itself still speaking a fundamental truth when it says “You are more beautiful than you think”? Now, you’re probably thinking something like “but the media is distorting the way we view ourselves and what we think beauty should be”. Yes, I agree, but you know what?
Each and every thing I feel unhappy with about myself stems from what people I know have told me about me. Not the media, but friends and relatives — and occasionally also strangers.
When I was little I was so often accused of being both anorexic or bulimic because I was skinny it’s sickening. I was constantly trying to prove that I did indeed eat, and eat a lot, and was terrified of going to the bathroom after eating at someone’s house in case they thought I was vomiting. I was just a skinny girl. It took me years before I dared to wear skirts because I was always told my legs looked like toothpicks. I was teased for not having any boobs long before you could expect them to even be there. I never really grew big breasts, but I was forever looking down hoping that one day they would sprout and put an end to the name calling. I was teased for wearing glasses, to the point where I was cornered at school one day and bombarded with snowballs by a gang of older boys because having glasses apparently makes you an easy target. Then when I got contact lenses I was told I looked like a fish out of water. That wasn’t good enough either. I still remember sitting outside in the school yard in the sun in year 7 when someone told me I had an ugly moustache. When feeling bad about having my skin breaking out and desperately needing some comfort I was told “yes, it’s ugly”. After I had a baby I was mistaken for being pregnant again several times because of my new mummy pouch.
I’m sure I could go on, but you get the point.
So if you asked me to describe myself to you I’m sure all of these insecurities would come out in a word here and a word there. But not everything I said would mean that I think I’m ugly. For instance, I’d say I have many grey and white hairs. That’s just a fact. I have unruly curls by my temples. I would say I have a broad chin. I’d say my skin is prone to break outs. I have freckles. I have a red dot on the left side of my nose. I’d say I have beginning crows feet. I’d say I have darker hair on my upper lip, that I have blue, grey eyes. A slim nose with a round tip. Thin lips, a thin face etc etc.
I love my greys, I think they are dignified. The curls at my temples sometimes drive me crazy. I love my crows feet because to me they say something about how often I smile. My skin sometimes makes me want to hide. I like my freckles, but if you asked me to describe myself in a matter of factly way I wouldn’t say any of these things. I’d stick to what I said above.
Because I use the words slim, thin and blue does not mean that I am “enforcing our very narrow cultural perception of “beauty”, it’s just me trying to describe myself with ordinary words while trying to be as objective as I can when talking about my own looks. Something which is not easy, I might add.
Despite my description being without any positive adjectives doesn’t mean I don’t know that beauty is more than skin deep. Of course it is. I don’t need media to tell me that. I know I am beautiful in many ways. And I am not afraid to share with you what I look like before I have a shower. I’m not afraid of my naked truth however unhappy I may be with pieces of it. And this is the message I want to pass on to my son. I want him to be able to watch an ad like the Dove ad and think, yes, I probably am more beautiful than I think because he will be. I want him to understand the difference between what we think of ourselves and what others think of us. My son thinks I’m beautiful no matter how shit I may feel about myself. My partner thinks I’m beautiful on even my worst of days, my friends think I’m beautiful because they know me and love me. Sometimes even I think I’m beautiful both within and without.
I’m losing my trail here, but my point is this. We should be able to take the positives for their positives and not always pick them apart until they become ugly shadows of themselves. We should stop assuming we’re so stupid we need to be spoon fed, and we should stop expecting advertising of all things to be 100% politically correct. It is of greater significance how we treat each other, of what words we choose to describe each other than what the media tells us. The media is made up of people. It needs to change, this is true, but the biggest and greatest change lies with us, with you and me, and how we interact with each other. What I say about myself will shape my son’s view of beauty more than what the media says about it. If I am mindful of my words about myself and always mindful of my words about him, what the media says might not have such a big grip.
And lastly, this is me, after I have a shower. The difference in my eyes is not so big, but hey, it’s still me.
